To Palmer

I snuck into your room to hold you one last time before everything changed. 

Truth be told I've been doing this a lot lately. My heart has ached during this pregnancy to know the changes that we're facing. I've never had a doubt that you would be the best big brother in the world. But I have to acknowledge that we're losing something here--even though we're gaining so much more. 

I want you to know. I want you to know that my love for you is so unique. It has filled my heart for these 22 months. No one else has shared it. We have such a special bond, and I'm scared that when you grow up you won't know how crazy I am about you. I'm scared you won't know that you are special to me in a way that no one else ever can be. 

I know that I'll love all my children equally. And sometimes that's actually what bothers me. How could I ever love someone as much as I love you? It wouldn't be right. I've come to realize that my love for each of my children will be individual. It will be equal, but it will be different. 

So instead of saying I love you most, I have to say I love you different. 

But before he comes...I still get to say I love you most. So I've taken every opportunity I can lately to do that. I've ended every day hoping I'd have just one more day with just the two of us. And I've snuck into your room countless times to hold you and tell you that you're my baby, and that I love you more than you'll ever know. 

And this was the last time. When my contractions started picking up at 1:00 in the morning, I had your dad call the babysitters and finish packing our suitcases. I pulled you out of your crib and into my arms and I held you and just sobbed for the next twenty minutes. I just kept thinking, "I'm still not ready. I'm not ready to lose my baby." Even though I knew I wasn't losing you...it was the end of an era. 

I suppose this all seems incredibly dramatic. Maybe it is. But I long for you to know that these two years have been the best of my life. There is a reason that you came into our family first, and part of it is that we both needed these special years together. 

Thank you, my sweet son. My sweet Palmer. Thank you for filling my life with joy. We're both losing something now, but we're gaining so much more. And even though I didn't feel ready that night, we are ready now. Our family is growing, and as it grows, our love for each other will multiply. 

And it's going to be better than we can imagine.