So...I've been kind of unhappy lately. And I've known why. And I've been too proud and too stubborn and too lazy to fix it. Do any of you guys do that? I feel so silly when I get into these slumps and instead of doing what I know will get me out of it, I first try everything else. Finally I got tired of being sad. And do you know what I did?
I prayed. And I read my scriptures.
Oh, I've been praying. I've said a prayer every night, every morning, and before each meal. I say prayers with Derek. But I have been living in that icky place where I say the words I'm used to saying. I try to be sincere, but I don't get much out before my mind wanders or I decide I'd really better get some rest. There's a quote from F. Enzio Busche that I love. It came to my mind today. He says,
"Before we can do this (pray) with focus, we have to become aware of a multitude of defined or undefined, conscious or subconscious desires. We have to learn to bring them to our awareness, to analyze them, to categorize them, and to bring them in to order according to priorities. When we do not do this, we will be condemned to remain, in our prayers, on a superficial level, or even on the level of formality, where there are no answers or there are only imagined answers. But there are always hundreds of different desires fighting for supremacy within us. The act of categorizing them is a very painful, but needful act to become, in the eyes of God, a mature person and to be taken seriously."
Does this describe pretty much every problem you've ever faced with prayer? I know it does for me.
So today I realized I was on a level of formality in my prayers, and I let the fact that I haven't been reading my scriptures much lately truly penetrate my soul. In The Screwtape Letters, Screwtape explains to Wormwood that as long as they (that is, the devils) can keep our sins on the outermost level of our consciousness, we are captured. Sure, we may have that nagging feeling that it's been a while since we truly communicated with the Lord, or let Him truly communicate with us, but just keep that in the back of your mind. There are lots of other things that you want and need to do, right? Shouldn't I be spending every spare minute with my husband? But what about when I'm home from work, and he's still gone? What about when I am so lonely, and I have no distractions, and I realize my soul is kind of achey? And I realize I haven't been that kind to Derek in our limited time together, no matter how much I miss him all day long. I realize I haven't been myself at all lately. And I want to be happy now.
Finally, painfully, I turned to the Lord today. I began to express my feelings to Him. I told Him my desires to love the scriptures, and to feel close to the Spirit, and to be better to my wonderful husband. I told Him I was so so weak, and I was so so sorry. And I told Him I would read my scriptures. So I flipped them open.
Here, a side note: You know that old trick where you really need something special from the Lord--an answer to prayer, a bit of inspiration--and you just open your scriptures to a random page and all of a sudden there's what you were looking for? I don't. I mean, I know of the trick, but never before in my life has it worked for me. I always figured the Lord just expected me to work for my answers, and I think it's a good thing, because I'm the kind of person who just loves the easy way out. Maybe if I had a lot of experiences like that, I would expect that from my scripture study, and I wouldn't grow too much. I don't know. All I know is, today was a little different.
I tried that trick. I opened my scriptures to a random page. Aaaaaand (drumroll)...it was Hosea. That's right, I landed on the first page of the book of Hosea. My first thought was, "Isn't this that really random story that never made sense? This can't be helpful." My second thought was, "Wait, that story was an allegory about Christ and the world...yeah, that's still probably not what I'm looking for." And then my third thought was probably not entirely my own--I think the Spirit gave me a little elbow nudge. "Wait a minute, aren't these the scriptures? Aren't they all in here for a reason? Do I really think there couldn't be anything in here for me to learn from?" And then my fourth thought (yeah, all my thoughts come numbered throughout the day. Kinda strange.) was, "What could be more appropriate than a story about Christ accepting someone who was completely unworthy?"
I started skimming through the pages, reading the chapter headings--you know, looking for something "good". And then I was at the end of the book, and so I read the short, final chapter of Hosea. And it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Here's a few bits I needed most:
"I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him. I will be as the dew unto Israel: he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as Lebanon. His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his smell as Lebanon. They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon. Ephraim shall say, What have I to do any more with idols? I have heard him, and observed him: I am like a green fir tree. From me is thy fruit found." (Hosea 14:4-8)
I hardly know what else to say. I feel like these verses say all that I needed and I know that they speak for themselves, so if any of you need them, I won't diminish from it by continuing on and on. I will say that I researched the Lebanon "green fir trees" a bit, and I found some amazing things. The fir tree is a symbol of joy and growth. It is beautiful and grows tall in the forests of Lebanon. When we know Christ--when we have heard Him and observed Him in our personal lives, we are filled with joy. Remembering Christ today has made my heart swell, and I feel whole again. I'm so grateful that the Lord takes me back time after time after time. I know that He is the most loving being that has ever walked the face of this earth, and I'm so grateful that He did, so that I have the chance to know Him personally, and to let Him lead me back to Him. I know that He is waiting with arms outstretched and will snatch you up the moment you turn to see Him. He loves us all so much. I testify of that in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
