Life Really Is Amazing!

First off let me warn that I wrote and posted this at 2:00 a.m. I always think I'm going to go back and edit my posts before I publish them, but by the time I finish writing I'm usually too lazy to do it. If this were a career I promise I'd put more effort into it, but for the time being I'll just beg your forgiveness for poor writing :)

Earlier this week, my brother called to tell me I was an "angry white girl" blogger. He had just read my last post ("RANT"), and thought it was kind of funny (pregnancy problems aren't something a single guy relates to so well). We had a good laugh over it, and talked about lots of other things, but his comment has stuck in my head. I know he was teasing, but it did get me thinking--I sure hope that's not how I come off! I know that that particular post was pretty negative though. And while I'm not necessarily taking back anything I said, I just want to make sure that the positivity on my blog is the prevailing attitude. I mean, it's called "A Happy Reality" for pete's sake...

So, in order to up the happiness factor, I just wanted to share some things I've been thinking about lately that I'm so grateful for, and that have really brought me joy--or even just simple pleasures! I keep seeing the gratitude challenge going around on Facebook right now and have been secretly hoping someone would tag me, but I really don't need an excuse to share with you all my joyful life!

In no particular order:

My garden. I have to admit that I am so proud of myself for having my first garden ever (on my own) while I was pregnant! And when I say on my own, I really mean with tons and TONS of help from Derek. He has definitely been the one running it these last few weeks as my ability to bend down to harvest slowly decreases. We started off the summer saying that even if we didn't get a great crop we would still think it was worth it because the work we did was so satisfying--and the effort we put forth to follow the prophet's counsel was in and of itself totally rewarding! But we were blessed with an AWESOME summer of fresh produce. Admittedly we only got one ear of corn out of our four original corn stalks...but everything else did great! We have had tons of tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, and jalapenos, as well as lettuce and peas earlier on in the season, and we are just now starting to get some carrots--they are delicious! Last week it got down to about 20 degrees in the night, and despite knowing this was going to happen ahead of time we didn't cover the garden. I know we probably could have gotten a little more out of our plants...but with a baby due any day, we decided the garden was going to be neglected anyways, and it wasn't worth the effort to try and save anything. We're very happy with the crop we had, and even happier that we've been able to share it with so many people! What a great experience it has been.

My baby still being in my tummy. I've whined, I've cried, I've vented about how much I want this baby OUT of my body and in my arms. And I do. I'm really excited to have some semblance of my pre-pregnancy body back, mostly for the sake of being able to do normal things without it hurting (think...walking. Or sitting. Or standing or lying down). And I'm SO excited to see what our little boy looks like, and to finally have him with us. But believe it or not, I am still grateful to be pregnant. I am trying to really treasure every last one of my son's kicks and nudges from the inside. They are becoming more precious to me each day, even when it hurts. I'm grateful that my body made it to 39 and a half weeks carrying this child and nourishing him! I can't take any credit for that, but I'm so so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy. And I'm also grateful that I've experienced so much of "early" labor with relative painlessness--here I am sitting pretty at a 5, fully effaced, baby in position, and I haven't even had painful contractions. Which means I have shaved off hours of hard labor, and I feel like a pretty lucky gal--especially for a first-timer!

My husband. If I were to order this list, Derek would definitely be at the top (well, excepting the Savior, which I'm getting to). Do you guys know how lucky I am to have this guy as my husband? I don't know if anyone could possibly comprehend how happy our marriage is. I know we're only a year and a half into it...but I never imagined that I would get even this far as blissfully happy as I am. I thought marriage was supposed to be hard! That's what everyone told us when we were engaged. But our marriage hasn't been hard--not even a little. We've had a couple of curveballs thrown at us this year, especially in the financial/health department, but they haven't affected our relationship in the slightest. Things between us are and always have been perfect. Lately a lot of little things have been standing out to me about Derek. Some are beautifully personal and need to be recorded in my journal, but others can be shared. I love the way Derek sleeps. It's so sweet to see him sleeping when I come in the room from one of many nightly bathroom breaks and have him reach out to me even though he's not awake. He's also been talking in his sleep recently, and he's the only person I've ever heard laugh in his sleep. It's pretty adorable :) I love how excited he is to be a dad. He truly is just as anxious as I am for our little boy to get here, and I know he'll be just as good a father as he is a husband. He's constantly doing anything and everything he can to make my life more comfortable. Even when things are difficult in his life, he is ever considerate of what I might be going through. And I'm so grateful to know that his heart is all mine. I know I'm getting super mushy, so I'll stop now, but I am so in love with my sweet husband, and nothing makes me happier than knowing he's just as in love with me.

The gospel. I've had some amazing experiences lately in learning about the Savior. I feel like I understand His love for me better than ever before in my life. I think pregnancy can teach a lot about the Savior and His love and sacrifice--a lot of women have expressed that they relate more to the Savior because of their pregnancy--but for me it's been a little different. I've come to know His love because I don't think I've ever felt weaker in my life than during this pregnancy. I've needed Him more during this time, and I've really felt the power of His love and atonement as I've struggled through some depressing days. He has taught me more about His character. I always thought I understood pretty well who Christ is, but I'm learning that He is infinitely more good than I ever realized. I'm so grateful for His love and forgiveness in my life, and for the knowledge that He's going to keep putting up with me and letting me crawl back to Him over and over again until I reach perfection--which is a LONG ways off :)

Little things. Zucchini bread made from zucchini I grew. Tomato sandwiches. Ice water. My dishwasher. Hot showers. Sleep. Fall decorations. No spiders. Two fridges. My wedding ring. The nursery. A clean house. A memory foam pillow. Cute fingernails.

Big things. My family--including the Allen side. I could write a paragraph about every single one of my siblings and in-laws and how much they mean to me. I'm blessed with so much family, which equals SO much love. The scriptures. The prophets and apostles. Derek's jobs. Tithing and the way it has made things work out in one way or another for the past few months. The temple and my marriage covenant and sealing. My baby.

And so many other things. I hope I will do a better job of conveying all the happiness in my life, because as you can see it is just FULL of it! I have an incredibly amazing life. I love it so much. And I want people to know that. So here's to more positive posts in the future--the next one probably featuring a hundred pictures of who is bound to be the best looking young man to ever enter this world :)

Thank you all for reading and for your support and love! You deserve to be on this list too :)

RANT

So, I don't usually rant in public forums (I think). I usually rant to Derek, because he is the BEST at listening to me and agreeing with just about everything I say while simultaneously calming me down and helping me not hate people. Seriously, he's a handy dude to have around. Sometimes if I feel I haven't gotten enough out I'll call or text one of my sisters, who are also usually on the same page as I am, and can be counted on for an "amen" or something of that sort. 

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones (I still get to blame everything on that for a little while longer), but I've repeatedly felt the urge to share my frustrations in a way that people will hear. Maybe some of the people who have directly caused these frustrations will read my rant and realize how buggy certain attitudes can be, but probably not. Maybe someone who has experienced something similar will be glad to commiserate with me (who doesn't like a good rant every so often?). And maybe (I'm thinking this is the most probable outcome) only my mom and sisters will actually read this blog post, which is probably for the best--and also why I didn't post directly to Facebook. I'm probably just rationalizing, but I don't feel like as much of a drama queen when I post on my blog--because you get to decide whether or not to click on the link and see what I have to say, and I can give a fair warning about how ridiculous it will be. 

So without further ado...the rant! 

I don't know if I've become more sensitive during pregnancy. It's quite possible. And it would make sense--besides just the crazy hormones which I already mentioned, there are so many things in pregnancy to be sensitive about. I mean, we are talking about the process that is turning me into a mother. The greatest role in time and eternity. We are talking about my baby, and my body, and my body's ability to make a baby, and my capability to take care of that baby, both while it's in the womb and once it comes out. So it makes sense that I would be a little hyper-sensitive, and I apologize for that. Because I know that the people who have offended me or bothered me have done so inadvertently. And I know that it is always a choice to take offense. But there are some things I want to point out, because I believe that we should at least be trying not to offend other people, right? Granted we shouldn't change our beliefs or standards in order to do so, but I'm sure we could all just...be nice. 

Ok. So here are some things I would like people to stop voicing their opinions about--when it comes to me, that is:

I've been going to an obstetrician, not a midwife. I love him. I trust him. I trust his judgment as well as his education, and I also trust his character. My doctor is AMAZING. And believe it or not, I just really like seeing an OB. I know lots of women think that midwifery is the only way to go...but it's not. And choosing an OB doesn't mean that I have no idea about midwives. 

I am having an epidural in a hospital, as opposed to a "natural" home birth. (By the way, can we stop saying "natural" birth to mean unmedicated birth? Because birth is natural. And I would beg to add that seeking pain relief during birth is also natural :) But I digress, and I'll stop putting the word natural in quotations). Just because I'm choosing an epidural doesn't mean you need to send me articles about the risks and how natural birth is so much better. I might appreciate it if it wasn't always paired with the implication that I'm ignorant and need your help because I've been brainwashed. I also like the idea of giving birth in a hospital. The resources available to me there are comforting. So, yes, I have given this decision *some* thought. 

I'm also planning on immunizing my children. I am barely going to say any more about this, except that, as with all my other pregnancy/parenting decisions, I have reasons. I am aware of the debate on immunizations, and have done some reading and a lot more praying and pondering, and I'm super comfortable with my decision. It was not made out of ignorance or blind followership. Same thing with circumcision. We're circumcising our son as an infant. And we'll talk about it if you reeeeally want to, but just remember that he's OUR baby. 

There are so many more things--yes I'm breastfeeding, but I'm a firm believer in covering up when nursing in public, so I'm going to do that no matter how many people tell me that is a sign of being ashamed. It's not. I'm not ashamed of my body, and I'm certainly not ashamed of its ability to nourish my baby, and I have a thousand reasons for wanting to cover up--none of them being that I'm ashamed or embarrassed. Other things? I like having ultrasounds to see how my baby is doing--I like that my doctor could look at the ultrasound at 18 weeks and tell me I was having a boy, and that that boy's organs and spine and lungs were developing beautifully. I like that I was able to take a prescription medicine when I had brutal morning sickness which made me throw up at LEAST once every single day. I like that, later on in my pregnancy when I had a UTI that sent me into contractions far too early (22 weeks), I was able to take an antibiotic, and that probably saved my baby. I like that I have the option of an induction available to me starting at around 40 weeks, because I DO have concerns about carrying my baby too long. I like that my doctor has given me an estimation that the baby will come this week (and I'm perfectly aware that he might not--but again, my doctor knows a heck of a lot more about this than you or I do). 

While we're on that subject, I'd like to ask that people stop telling me to not be excited about things! Stop saying "just enjoy this time" every single time I say I can't wait for my baby to come. Why? First of all, because I am. I do. I enjoy my life a lot. I promise I'm not just moping around pitying myself and thinking, "When the baby comes, then I'll be happy." I am a happy person. So don't worry about that. Secondly, what are you really saying? Every time you tell me to just enjoy the time I have left, it sounds like this, "Be careful what you wish for! Get some sleep while you still can!" I understand that you're trying to be helpful--but are you really saying that two more weeks of sleep (which, by the way, isn't that easy to come by at this point anyways) is better than having my BABY with me now? Are you suggesting that in a month I'm going to look back and think, "I wish I had had just two more weeks of sleep"? Because that doesn't make any sense. I realize that I will be sleep-deprived for months on end, and that I will sometimes look back and think I wish I'd known how good I had it, but I don't think I'll ever wish my baby had come later--because two weeks of sleep is not worth two weeks of baby. I have already decided that this son of mine is worth every worthy sacrifice. So forgive me for being ready for him to get here, but at this point I think the sooner the better. Two weeks of missed sleep is not going to make a difference in the long run. 

One last thing--I know you are probably trying to compliment me. But I'm getting tired of being told I'm "too small". I admit, it was kind of flattering earlier on in the pregnancy. I was a little proud of it whenever I was told that. But now that it's pretty much time for the baby to come, being told I'm TOO small kind of hurts. For one, I'm NOT too small. I'm a tall girl--and tall girls with long torsos hide their babies. My doctor measures me every week, and yes I always measure slightly smaller than how far along I actually am--but he's never surprised or worried, because he sees that I am TALL. If my doctor is not worried, please don't you be worried. When you tell me I'm too small it implies that my body is not doing its job properly, that my baby is not big enough, and that something is wrong. I know you don't mean it that way, but maybe you should consider it now. You would never tell a pregnant friend that she was too big, right? So just be careful about how you say things. (By the way, comments like, "You're all baby", or even, "Wow, you don't look like you're that far along!" don't bother me at all. It's just something about that "too" that does it.)

Ok. I think...I am probably done. Again, I realize that in all these situations no one has meant to hurt me or bother me. And if I have been hurt or bothered, I chose that. Also, because I really am comfortable with my decisions, other people trying to force theirs on me doesn't really have that big of an effect. But I guess, if there is anything I want to accomplish in this rambling post of mine, it's just this: I just want people to be happy for me. I want people to see that I'm having an awesome experience, even if it's different than what they'd choose--and I want people to be able to see my decisions and not feel obligated to tell me I'm wrong. It's condescending, even if you are just trying to be helpful. That's what makes it annoying--it's you saying, "Hey, since you're a first-timer and I'm WAAAY more experienced than you because I have a kid, let me tell you why everything you're choosing is wrong, and why everything I'm choosing is right for everyone." I guess I want people to trust that Derek and I care enough about our child to think about the issues you're concerned about--I want people to know that our decisions are thought out and that they're just as valid as anyone else's, and so it's ok to just say "Yay for you!" when I post some update about our life, and particularly this journey through pregnancy and parenthood. I have parents and siblings who are allowed to give completely unsolicited advice. And I have a husband with whom I make all my big decisions, and most of my small ones. And most importantly, I have a Heavenly Father who has blessed me with the right to personal revelation. So let me say this, sincerely: thank you for your concern. Thank you for wanting to help. Don't feel like you can't ever send me information or give me advice, because I'm grateful for those things--knowledge really is power. All I'm really asking is that you don't ALWAYS weigh in with your opinion. Don't feel like you have to teach me in every situation, because there are people in my life who I depend on for that, and also, because I'm not all that stupid. So please, tell me what you think and comment on my decisions, but also share in my happy moments--that's all I'm really asking for :)