Why I'm Not Going Back to School...and Why I'm Not Ashamed of That

When you're in college and you're pregnant, lots of people ask you what your plans are. Or at least, lots of people have asked me what my plans are. Though the general expectation for women in the LDS church is that they will be a "stay-at-home" mom, I've noticed that this expectation (at least here in Rexburg) comes in second to the expectation that you will be finishing school by any means necessary and getting your degree--if in fact, you were foolish enough to have a child before you got a degree.

People who ask me what I plan to do after I have the baby rarely get (or want) the full answer, partly because I wouldn't have time to give it, and partly because it's something that would require a quiet environment, where I could really share the feelings in my heart. What they usually get is, "Well, I'll actually be done with school for a while, because I want to stay at home with my baby." What I wish I could tell them is what follows:

I'm not coming back to school. Not as an on-campus student, or even as a part-time online student. Not for a long time at least. Because I don't want to, and I don't think I need to.

You might be surprised at how ill-received this news is to most people, even at a church school. Here's what I anticipate the internal responses to be (although so far, no one has actually said any of this to me. It's just the attitude I pick up on).

1.) "Why isn't having at least a bit of a career important to you? Don't you want to be able to do something other than be a mom your whole life?"

This one is a less common attitude here, though a more common attitude in the world "outside". So my answer is fairly simple: Um, no. I really don't want to spend hours away from home, working. I really don't think anything could be as interesting or as fulfilling as raising a human being, and I don't think I'll ever have enough time on my hands that I'd want to fill it with a "career". But I digress--there are a lot of people in the world who agree with me--Mormons, non-Mormons, Christians, and non-Christians alike. Many men and women in this world do value and understand a woman's choice to stay at home and raise her children. So I'll move on to what I think is the hiccup for most people I run into.

2.) "The prophet (Gordon B. Hinckley) said that we should get as much education as possible. Are you just going to ignore that counsel in favor of the counsel to stay at home with your children?"

And, this:

3.) "What about in the case of death or illness? What if your husband can't work to support your family? What about being prepared?"

I looped these questions together because I want to answer them together. These were questions that weighed deeply on me last fall. Every month when we discovered that we were not pregnant, I was terribly disappointed, even though we'd only been married 6 months, and weren't technically trying. But I was also relieved. Not because I didn't want a baby, or because I didn't feel ready for motherhood. (I think in most senses, you're never really ready, but in others, I have always felt ready. I have always looked forward to being a mother). I was relieved because I feared what people would think of me. Derek and I have always known that once we had children, I would not go to school or work anymore. And I have always been happy with that decision, but I was still scared that the people I associated with here--students and graduates and mothers alike--would think it was wrong. I was worried that maybe I was wrong for not wanting to continue working on my degree after I had my first baby. After all, I've heard all the counsel about getting as much of an education as possible, and about how sometimes emergencies happen, and we never know what we'll be called upon to do. But I also knew, in my heart of hearts, that staying at home with my baby was right, and that putting off having children so that I could earn a degree was wrong. So I struggled for a while.

After some time of thinking about this, and talking with my family and friends, I had a few realizations. The first was this: the prophet did not say to get as many degrees, or as high a degree, as you can. He said to get as much education as you can. And education is what I care about. I have never cared about a degree--in fact, I've never even really been able to settle on a major. I've always wanted to learn EVERYTHING. One of the reasons I treasure being at BYU-Idaho is that there are so many opportunities for a truly unique education here. I have absolutely loved my time in school, and not because I was working for a degree. To tell you the truth--and I say this in my head in a slight whisper--I'm probably no closer to obtaining a Bachelors now, in my fourth semester, than I was in my first. Because I sort of always knew that I probably wouldn't finish. So every semester when it came time to register, I chose the classes that I was desperate to take--that I felt would be completely different here at BYU-Idaho than anywhere else, and that I felt would be invaluable in my life as a mother and wife and disciple of Christ. And let me tell you--I have taken some amazing classes, from some absolutely incredible teachers. I have truly gained an education. But it's not over. I'm going to keep getting as educated as I can, all my life. I'm going to seek learning and growth, from every source that I can. I think that that is at the heart of President Hinckley's advice.

You may argue--he also said, "(The) world will in large measure pay you what it thinks you are worth, and your worth will increase as you gain education and proficiency in your chosen field." (Gordon B. Hinckley, A Prophet's Counsel and Prayer for Youth. Jan. 2001. Click here to read the full talk.) And I agree with that. Which is why my husband is in school. As he is going to be the provider for our family, it makes sense that he gains the education necessary to obtain gainful employment, so that he can be our caretaker. So, I'm not saying that degrees are obsolete. They certainly are not. But I am saying this: degrees are only necessary if you are going to work in the world. In fact, if they are not used, they are literally useless. I don't plan on working outside of the home. So at this time in my life...a degree is useless.

But what about #3? What about "in case of emergency?" I agree that having a degree can be somewhat helpful in case of an emergency. If it ever turns out that something makes it impossible for Derek to work and provide for our family, I do want to be prepared to work for my family. But here's some logic for you: how marketable will my degree be in ten years, with no work experience added to it? In fifteen, or twenty years? I can almost guarantee that any degree or certificate that is earned but goes unused for more than ten years is not going to give you very much help when it comes to finding a good job. In my opinion, it would be better for me at that point to enroll in some kind of program (like CNA, or pharmacy, or some kind of trade school) that would award me a certificate when I need it, and then immediately put it to use. You're always going to have to start somewhere, and starting with a ten-year-old unused degree won't be much of an advantage.

I'd also like to include a quote here from President Henry B. Eyring. He says this:

"(There) are important ways in which planning for failure can make failure more likely and the ideal less so. Consider these twin commandments as an example: "Fathers are to...provide the necessities of life...for their families" and "mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." Knowing how hard that might be, a young man might choose a career on the basis of how much money he could make, even if it meant he couldn't be home enough to be an equal partner. By doing that, he has already decided he cannot hope to do what would be best. A young woman might prepare of a career incompatible with being primarily responsible for the nurture of her children because of the possibilities of not marrying, of not having children, or of being left alone to provide for them herself. Or she might fail to focus her education on the gospel and the useful knowledge of the world that nurturing a family would require, not realizing that the highest and best use she could make of her talents and her education would be in her home. Consequently, because a young man and woman had planned thus, they might make what is best for a family less likely to be obtained."
(Henry B. Eyring, The Family. Feb. 1998 Ensign. Italics added. Click here to read the full talk.)

Please understand. I'm not saying--nor is President Eyring saying--that any woman who ends up having to work outside the home to provide for her family is at fault for her circumstances. I'm also not saying that the women I know who are choosing to continue on in their education and obtain a degree are doing the wrong thing. I think they're incredible! I truly admire women who have worked and have degrees, because I know that they are trying to do what is best for their family.

But I am also trying to do what is best for my family. And...this is it. The things that I have come across since making this decision (like President Eyring's talk on the family--which is absolutely wonderful, by the way) have only affirmed that in my mind. One day, I may decide to go back to school and get a degree, even if there is no emergency! But if that day does come, I can guarantee that it is a long ways off. I plan to be at home with my kids as long as they are at home. It is the example and the legacy that my mother has given me, and I see it carried on in my sisters' homes. When you make the decision to follow the Lord's counsel, he will enable you to do it. I truly believe that.

I would also beg all of the women and young women I know to seriously consider this decision in their lives. Deciding not to get a degree may not be the best choice for everyone. Derek and I felt that it was the best choice for us, because we knew that when we were blessed with a child, it would be in the Lord's timing, and we take this pregnancy as a sign that the Lord will provide for us. Some women may not marry until after they already have a degree. Some women may not be blessed with children until after they're done with school. Continue to pursue lifelong education! But when it comes to having a family, don't delay it for something like a degree. Because motherhood is the highest calling you could ever have. And it is worth so much more than a diploma.

(If you have time, you might also read this talk by Elder Andersen called "Children.")