Palmer's Newborn Pictures

So, this post is more pictures of my baby! Is anyone surprised?

 My mom, Kari, Georgia, and Taylor arrived in Rexburg just as we were leaving the hospital!

 My little brother Taylor with Palmer. He's such a great uncle!

Derek's little brothers Dalton and Austin were also able to join us that first weekend. It was so great to have lots of family here to welcome Palmer!

 Isn't my mama beautiful?

Somebody commented that Palmer looks like a baby bird in this picture, and I totally agree! Cute little babe.

Since day one he's been big into covering his face when he's tired. He doesn't do it as much anymore, and I kind of miss it! Now he just grabs his face in frustration...

 I don't even know what to say about this...other than that Kendall and Derek were definitely bonding here...

When Palmer was two weeks old we took a trip down to St. George for General Conference weekend. He did pretty great on the drive once we adjusted his car seat to a more comfortable angle. While we were there Georgia did me a huge favor and took some more pictures of Palmer--while I took a NAP! It was pretty awesome.

And for the final picture...

Yep. That's my boy.

Presenting: Palmer Spencer Allen!

Well, Palmer is now almost TWO months old, so I decided it was about time I finally wrote his birth story. This is more for my sake than for anyone else's, so I don't really plan on sparing any details--I don't think it will make for TMI for most people (especially any parents), but I wanted to give fair warning. I had an absolutely beautiful experience, and I wanted to document it for my family as well as for anyone else who's interested, so that's why it's being posted to the blog :)

I had the opportunity to have a birth photographer present at Palmer's birth, and she did an amazing job capturing the event. I thought about including her pictures along with the text, but I think that they are most striking on their own, so they will be at the end of the story. (In other words, if you want to just see the pictures, you can scroll down to the end of the post and I won't even know :))

To set the stage a little, I'm going back to a few weeks before he was born. When I was 36 weeks I was checked for strep b, at which point my doctor let me know that I was dilated 2 centimeters and was fully effaced. This was exciting news! It didn't necessarily mean I would have Palmer any earlier, but it would probably shave off a couple of hours of labor--and it was nice that I had gotten to that point with only the Braxton Hicks contractions. At 38 weeks I was checked again and had dilated another centimeter (still with no painful contractions). This was the week that my doctor cruelly and casually said at the end of my visit, "So yeah, if for some crazy reason you're still pregnant next Monday, we'll see you then!" I was pretty anxious all week, and did any safe thing I could find to try to naturally induce labor--we tried pressure points, walking, dancing, etcetera, but on Monday I was still pregnant and went in. He checked me again and told me I was dilated to a 5, then he said, "Grit your teeth for a second," and did something that hurt, but only momentarily. When he came back in the room he said, "So, I stripped your membranes really quick without telling you. You're at a 5, and if things don't get going on their own this week let's have you come in Friday morning and we'll get you started! I can't figure out why you would be steadily dilating without any pain and still not going into labor, but you're lucky to have such a good headstart. If your water breaks, go ahead and go to the hospital right away instead of waiting, since you're already progressing pretty quickly." Derek and I were so excited to finally know when we'd have our Palmer with us! I know a lot of people are against inductions--and I respect your right to be against them. But I felt really sure that Palmer was healthy and ready to come, and I also felt totally comfortable with having him a few days before my due date; not to mention that I completely respect my doctor's opinion. As a matter of fact, I was pretty thrilled that he brought it up and I didn't have to :)

That week was a pretty slow one. Lots of different emotions were experienced as I continued to try to induce labor naturally and nothing happened. My family had made plans to come up on Friday since I was going to for sure have Palmer by the weekend, but I realized that if I didn't have him before the induction I would likely be in the hospital for most of their visit, and that didn't sound fun--but I also didn't want to feel like I had to rush to get home when I wasn't ready yet. Wednesday night I was feeling like it just wasn't going to happen on its own before Friday. Even though I felt like he was ready, and my body was ready, I just knew I was going to be induced. (Yes I could have waited another week or two, but I want to add that at least one of my sisters has waited with all her babies and still had to be induced with 3 of the 4. I knew I still had that option, but again--I felt he was ready, probably wouldn't come on his own, and didn't really feel like waiting!) So I got thinking...if I'm going to be induced anyways, it might be nicer to do it on Thursday so that I could go home and hang out with my family when they came up. After discussing it with Derek I called my doctor on Thursday morning. When he called back, he said, "Hey, how come you're still pregnant?" I said, "That's what I wanted to know!" Then I asked if it would be possible to be induced that day instead, and explained the situation. He said absolutely, he'd call and check with the hospital and get back to me. About five minutes later he called back and said, "So, could you be there in an hour?" Obviously I said yes! Then I called Derek at work and told him the plan.

I want to admit here that the night before, when I had been thinking about being induced, it did make me a little sad that I wasn't going to have that "going into labor" experience. I wasn't going to wake Derek up in the middle of the night, or call him at work and say "It's time!" But with the way things worked out, I still kind of got to do that--and he got to rush home and finish packing things up in a hurry, because we only had an hour. It was kind of fun to see him frantically running around and being all excited. I had to remind him a time or two that I wasn't actually in labor, and that he could calm down a little :)

It was pretty surreal to check into the hospital at the labor and delivery front desk and be totally calm. I was like, "Hey, I'm here to have my baby!" It definitely wasn't how I pictured that moment being! But it was kind of nice too, to not be in excruciating pain as they took my insurance card and license and got me all checked in. They took me to my room, started the pitocin, and then my doctor came to break my water. We chatted for a bit, and then he went back to the medical center for a couple of hours, because I was still only at a 5.

I asked the nurse at what point I would be getting my epidural, because I have heard lots of stories about how TERRIBLE pitocin-induced contractions are, and mostly hadn't worried about it just because I had always planned on having an epidural...so I felt like it wasn't a concern. The nurse said, "Well, we want to make sure you're having some good contractions and that the monitors are picking it up first, so when you feel like the pain is no longer manageable you can let us know and we'll call the anesthesiologist up." Here I was thinking, "Wait...unmanageable pain? I don't want unmanageable pain--that's the whole reason I'm getting an epidural, hello!" But I went with it because I didn't want to seem like TOO much of a wimp ;) When the contractions did start (at 1:00 pm), they were AWFUL. Even though I didn't have painful contractions in those last few weeks as I was dilating, I had had them before--when I was about 22 weeks along I had a UTI that sent me into really intense contractions, close together and for a couple of hours. Those were bad, but not nearly as bad as these ones! I kept waiting for a nurse to come in and say that they were intense enough and close enough (they were 3-5 minutes apart) that I could have my epidural, but it turned out that the monitor hadn't been picking them up at all! Apparently those things are a little finicky...so the nurse adjusted it a couple of times, and eventually I asked if she could call for the epidural. That was at 2:30. I went to the bathroom while she called down for the anesthesiologist. When I came back she said, "So I guess one of our anesthesiologists is out today, and the other is doing a surgery right now, so she might be another hour or two." (I kind of wanted to cry right then). "We could give you some fentinol if you'd like--it won't really make the pain stop, but it will take off the edge a little." Obviously I said yes. She gave me the fentinol through the IV, and I immediately started to feel sick. Then she told me that it sometimes made people feel nauseated, and so she could give me some zofran along with it if I wanted. In response I asked her to hand me a garbage can and I threw up. So, she gave me some zofran :) That took the nausea away almost immediately. The fentinol really was helping, but the contractions were still pretty bad. Luckily the anesthesiologist was actually available pretty soon. So I got my epidural at 3:00, at which point I was dilated to a 7. Everything went really smoothly and she was able to get it done in just a few minutes. And let me tell you about INSTANT relief...holy cow. I started to feel reeeeally good. In fact, I kept telling Derek, "I feel soo good. I'm so comfortable! I haven't been this comfortable in months!" (One of the nice things about having your back numb...you can actually relax in pretty much any position. That doesn't happen during the third trimester.) I also said repeatedly, "I'm so happy." Derek was so relieved to see me out of pain and able to relax. In fact, I was able to sleep for about an hour, though lightly--I kept opening my eyes to tell Derek I was happy :) At 4:30 I was at a 9, almost a 10. My doctor likes to let women labor down as long as possible without pushing, especially if it's the first baby. So I was told it could be an hour or two before I actually started pushing.

At 5:00 our birth photographer, Cami Starks, came to the hospital. We had never met before, just talked a few times, and so spent the next hour just talking and getting to know each other. She also snapped a couple of pictures of us and stuff in the room. 

At 6:00 the staff changed. I had loved the three nurses who had attended to me during the day, but the night nurse, Natalie, was my favorite. She looked only a tiny bit older than me, had a great sense of humor, and was totally encouraging. At about twenty after, she started having me do my first pushes (I had been feeling pressure during contractions for a while). The very first time I pushed, they were able to see Palmer's head! I didn't know that it would be that soon, so I thought that was pretty cool. I probably pushed for about half an hour, maybe a little more, before Dr. Watson came in, along with another nurse (the one who would be washing Palmer and making sure he was breathing and everything when he came out.)

Once again I have to say how much I love my doctor. When we move away from Rexburg in a couple of years, I think I will be ready to leave everything behind except for him! He was amazingly supportive and helpful during my pregnancy, but the way he was during Palmer's birth really secured his special niche in my heart. He, Derek, and Natalie were so encouraging as I pushed! They all three just made me feel like I was a champ and that I was doing everything perfectly. I just felt excited, and didn't find their instructions at all annoying like I thought I would. (I won't say too much here about the OTHER nurse, who kind of got on my nerves...who kept yelling, "Don't stop! No! You have to push through the pain, ok?? Don't stop when it hurts! Get mad, get mad!" For some reason I didn't find her particularly helpful...) 

I found pushing to be totally exhilarating, but also totally exhausting. I think my epidural worked perfectly though, because I could still move my legs and could feel exactly when to push, but didn't really have much pain. That said, pushing was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done physically. Not because of pain, but just because it was HARD to do! But also totally awesome. It was only near the very very end that I started to get tired of it. On the second to last push (the one that got his head out) I cried out for the first and only time during the whole process. But then the next push was pretty easy, and he was HERE! I couldn't believe I had done it.

Then came the most amazing moment of all. They put my little boy on my stomach. He was crying and grabbed onto me immediately. All I could feel was that he was perfect, and that he needed me. He was scared and he wanted me to hold him. Watching him cry for the first time, and finally seeing his face, I was completely overcome. I'll be honest, I didn't think I would be--or at least not as powerfully as I was. But looking at him, and looking at Derek as he burst into tears, was way too much for me to handle. I started crying. Derek said, "Nikki, he's here! This is our son! He's ours!" And we both just cried and held our little baby.

Palmer breathed well at first, but after a minute or two the nurse said he wasn't breathing as consistently as she'd like, so she took him over to the warmer. Derek walked back and forth between Palmer and me as they took his measurements and checked all his vitals. This was also when my doctor stitched me up (I had 2nd degree tearing, pretty standard for a first-time delivery), and he did a great job of distracting me while he did it.

The rest of the story would mostly be about recovery, and that's not as important, so I'll leave it for my journal. I just wanted to share a few thoughts about Palmer's birth, in summary. First of all, I want to say I'm a huge advocate for epidurals. I'm so happy for any woman who has a great experience during childbirth--whether it's completely unmedicated, partially medicated, whatever. To me, having an epidural made a world of difference. I was able to have a peaceful afternoon as I prepared to deliver my baby, and having that peace and rest made the whole experience perfect. I loved that I wasn't distracted by my pain when Palmer came, because all I felt was joy and anticipation. I actually thoroughly ENJOYED childbirth, and I really mean that. I'd honestly rather go through childbirth than morning sickness again! Another thing I wanted to say is that it is absolutely impossible to describe the joy of that moment when Palmer came into this world. Everyone always says that it's the most spiritual experience they've ever had. Hearing that all my life, I imagined that it would be somewhat comparable to the other really spiritual moments I'd had--something like the spirit in the temple, or when I read my patriarchal blessing. But it was completely different. I think the only way I can describe it is that it's a spiritual experience because there is literally a brand NEW spirit in the room. It's not necessarily "the spirit"--the Holy Ghost--that you feel, but the heavenly influence of a new spirit, fresh from God's presence. Our hospital room that night, with just my husband and my brand new son, was the most heavenly atmosphere I have ever felt. The temple, of course, is incredible and a great place to be close to God. But I have to maintain that the most heavenly, angelic atmosphere was that night with a brand new baby. It's still impossible to describe, but I hope I've come close to conveying the beauty of delivering a perfect child, fresh from heaven.

I want to close with a poem that my mother-in-law emailed to me just a day before I had Palmer. It was written by David O. McKay.

To a Baby Dressed In White

Sweet, innocent, heavenly treasure,

Spirit offspring of God from above;

Gift of an all-wise Creator

Expression of heavenly love.

Thou stirrest my soul with emotion,

I feel nearer God and the right,

For nothing is half so inspiring

As a baby dressed in white.

When you left the bright regions of glory,

And your spirit playmates so fair,

Did you realize what would await you

As a mortal, surrounded by care?

Did you know that your memory of Heaven

Would vanish as morning's light dew?

To environment you would be subject,

Dependent on circumstances, too.

Did the heavenly choirs sing praises

As earthward you vanished from sight?

Did you know what kind parents would rear you,

Love you, and dress you in white?

Only a smile is my answer,

Yet radiant as morning's first light!

Eternal thou art, and ever shall be,

Dear baby, now dressed in white.

Daisies adorn the bright meadows,

Lilies gladden the field.

Roses make bright every wayside;

Each twig hath some beauty to yield.

All are expressions of goodness

And praises to God they invite;

But the glory of all creation

Is a baby, dressed in white!

Yes the glory of all creation

Is a baby, dressed in white!

(This picture is mostly to have at least ONE picture of the fabulous Dr. Watson. I couldn't be more grateful for him!)

(And this requires a small explanation. Cheesy as it may sound, Palmer was born under a rainbow! It was neat for me to look out the window and see that beautiful rainbow as I went through the hardest part of labor. Kind of a little gift from God to get me through!)

Photos by Cami Starks

(https://www.facebook.com/camistarksphotography?pnref=story)

Life Really Is Amazing!

First off let me warn that I wrote and posted this at 2:00 a.m. I always think I'm going to go back and edit my posts before I publish them, but by the time I finish writing I'm usually too lazy to do it. If this were a career I promise I'd put more effort into it, but for the time being I'll just beg your forgiveness for poor writing :)

Earlier this week, my brother called to tell me I was an "angry white girl" blogger. He had just read my last post ("RANT"), and thought it was kind of funny (pregnancy problems aren't something a single guy relates to so well). We had a good laugh over it, and talked about lots of other things, but his comment has stuck in my head. I know he was teasing, but it did get me thinking--I sure hope that's not how I come off! I know that that particular post was pretty negative though. And while I'm not necessarily taking back anything I said, I just want to make sure that the positivity on my blog is the prevailing attitude. I mean, it's called "A Happy Reality" for pete's sake...

So, in order to up the happiness factor, I just wanted to share some things I've been thinking about lately that I'm so grateful for, and that have really brought me joy--or even just simple pleasures! I keep seeing the gratitude challenge going around on Facebook right now and have been secretly hoping someone would tag me, but I really don't need an excuse to share with you all my joyful life!

In no particular order:

My garden. I have to admit that I am so proud of myself for having my first garden ever (on my own) while I was pregnant! And when I say on my own, I really mean with tons and TONS of help from Derek. He has definitely been the one running it these last few weeks as my ability to bend down to harvest slowly decreases. We started off the summer saying that even if we didn't get a great crop we would still think it was worth it because the work we did was so satisfying--and the effort we put forth to follow the prophet's counsel was in and of itself totally rewarding! But we were blessed with an AWESOME summer of fresh produce. Admittedly we only got one ear of corn out of our four original corn stalks...but everything else did great! We have had tons of tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, and jalapenos, as well as lettuce and peas earlier on in the season, and we are just now starting to get some carrots--they are delicious! Last week it got down to about 20 degrees in the night, and despite knowing this was going to happen ahead of time we didn't cover the garden. I know we probably could have gotten a little more out of our plants...but with a baby due any day, we decided the garden was going to be neglected anyways, and it wasn't worth the effort to try and save anything. We're very happy with the crop we had, and even happier that we've been able to share it with so many people! What a great experience it has been.

My baby still being in my tummy. I've whined, I've cried, I've vented about how much I want this baby OUT of my body and in my arms. And I do. I'm really excited to have some semblance of my pre-pregnancy body back, mostly for the sake of being able to do normal things without it hurting (think...walking. Or sitting. Or standing or lying down). And I'm SO excited to see what our little boy looks like, and to finally have him with us. But believe it or not, I am still grateful to be pregnant. I am trying to really treasure every last one of my son's kicks and nudges from the inside. They are becoming more precious to me each day, even when it hurts. I'm grateful that my body made it to 39 and a half weeks carrying this child and nourishing him! I can't take any credit for that, but I'm so so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy. And I'm also grateful that I've experienced so much of "early" labor with relative painlessness--here I am sitting pretty at a 5, fully effaced, baby in position, and I haven't even had painful contractions. Which means I have shaved off hours of hard labor, and I feel like a pretty lucky gal--especially for a first-timer!

My husband. If I were to order this list, Derek would definitely be at the top (well, excepting the Savior, which I'm getting to). Do you guys know how lucky I am to have this guy as my husband? I don't know if anyone could possibly comprehend how happy our marriage is. I know we're only a year and a half into it...but I never imagined that I would get even this far as blissfully happy as I am. I thought marriage was supposed to be hard! That's what everyone told us when we were engaged. But our marriage hasn't been hard--not even a little. We've had a couple of curveballs thrown at us this year, especially in the financial/health department, but they haven't affected our relationship in the slightest. Things between us are and always have been perfect. Lately a lot of little things have been standing out to me about Derek. Some are beautifully personal and need to be recorded in my journal, but others can be shared. I love the way Derek sleeps. It's so sweet to see him sleeping when I come in the room from one of many nightly bathroom breaks and have him reach out to me even though he's not awake. He's also been talking in his sleep recently, and he's the only person I've ever heard laugh in his sleep. It's pretty adorable :) I love how excited he is to be a dad. He truly is just as anxious as I am for our little boy to get here, and I know he'll be just as good a father as he is a husband. He's constantly doing anything and everything he can to make my life more comfortable. Even when things are difficult in his life, he is ever considerate of what I might be going through. And I'm so grateful to know that his heart is all mine. I know I'm getting super mushy, so I'll stop now, but I am so in love with my sweet husband, and nothing makes me happier than knowing he's just as in love with me.

The gospel. I've had some amazing experiences lately in learning about the Savior. I feel like I understand His love for me better than ever before in my life. I think pregnancy can teach a lot about the Savior and His love and sacrifice--a lot of women have expressed that they relate more to the Savior because of their pregnancy--but for me it's been a little different. I've come to know His love because I don't think I've ever felt weaker in my life than during this pregnancy. I've needed Him more during this time, and I've really felt the power of His love and atonement as I've struggled through some depressing days. He has taught me more about His character. I always thought I understood pretty well who Christ is, but I'm learning that He is infinitely more good than I ever realized. I'm so grateful for His love and forgiveness in my life, and for the knowledge that He's going to keep putting up with me and letting me crawl back to Him over and over again until I reach perfection--which is a LONG ways off :)

Little things. Zucchini bread made from zucchini I grew. Tomato sandwiches. Ice water. My dishwasher. Hot showers. Sleep. Fall decorations. No spiders. Two fridges. My wedding ring. The nursery. A clean house. A memory foam pillow. Cute fingernails.

Big things. My family--including the Allen side. I could write a paragraph about every single one of my siblings and in-laws and how much they mean to me. I'm blessed with so much family, which equals SO much love. The scriptures. The prophets and apostles. Derek's jobs. Tithing and the way it has made things work out in one way or another for the past few months. The temple and my marriage covenant and sealing. My baby.

And so many other things. I hope I will do a better job of conveying all the happiness in my life, because as you can see it is just FULL of it! I have an incredibly amazing life. I love it so much. And I want people to know that. So here's to more positive posts in the future--the next one probably featuring a hundred pictures of who is bound to be the best looking young man to ever enter this world :)

Thank you all for reading and for your support and love! You deserve to be on this list too :)

RANT

So, I don't usually rant in public forums (I think). I usually rant to Derek, because he is the BEST at listening to me and agreeing with just about everything I say while simultaneously calming me down and helping me not hate people. Seriously, he's a handy dude to have around. Sometimes if I feel I haven't gotten enough out I'll call or text one of my sisters, who are also usually on the same page as I am, and can be counted on for an "amen" or something of that sort. 

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones (I still get to blame everything on that for a little while longer), but I've repeatedly felt the urge to share my frustrations in a way that people will hear. Maybe some of the people who have directly caused these frustrations will read my rant and realize how buggy certain attitudes can be, but probably not. Maybe someone who has experienced something similar will be glad to commiserate with me (who doesn't like a good rant every so often?). And maybe (I'm thinking this is the most probable outcome) only my mom and sisters will actually read this blog post, which is probably for the best--and also why I didn't post directly to Facebook. I'm probably just rationalizing, but I don't feel like as much of a drama queen when I post on my blog--because you get to decide whether or not to click on the link and see what I have to say, and I can give a fair warning about how ridiculous it will be. 

So without further ado...the rant! 

I don't know if I've become more sensitive during pregnancy. It's quite possible. And it would make sense--besides just the crazy hormones which I already mentioned, there are so many things in pregnancy to be sensitive about. I mean, we are talking about the process that is turning me into a mother. The greatest role in time and eternity. We are talking about my baby, and my body, and my body's ability to make a baby, and my capability to take care of that baby, both while it's in the womb and once it comes out. So it makes sense that I would be a little hyper-sensitive, and I apologize for that. Because I know that the people who have offended me or bothered me have done so inadvertently. And I know that it is always a choice to take offense. But there are some things I want to point out, because I believe that we should at least be trying not to offend other people, right? Granted we shouldn't change our beliefs or standards in order to do so, but I'm sure we could all just...be nice. 

Ok. So here are some things I would like people to stop voicing their opinions about--when it comes to me, that is:

I've been going to an obstetrician, not a midwife. I love him. I trust him. I trust his judgment as well as his education, and I also trust his character. My doctor is AMAZING. And believe it or not, I just really like seeing an OB. I know lots of women think that midwifery is the only way to go...but it's not. And choosing an OB doesn't mean that I have no idea about midwives. 

I am having an epidural in a hospital, as opposed to a "natural" home birth. (By the way, can we stop saying "natural" birth to mean unmedicated birth? Because birth is natural. And I would beg to add that seeking pain relief during birth is also natural :) But I digress, and I'll stop putting the word natural in quotations). Just because I'm choosing an epidural doesn't mean you need to send me articles about the risks and how natural birth is so much better. I might appreciate it if it wasn't always paired with the implication that I'm ignorant and need your help because I've been brainwashed. I also like the idea of giving birth in a hospital. The resources available to me there are comforting. So, yes, I have given this decision *some* thought. 

I'm also planning on immunizing my children. I am barely going to say any more about this, except that, as with all my other pregnancy/parenting decisions, I have reasons. I am aware of the debate on immunizations, and have done some reading and a lot more praying and pondering, and I'm super comfortable with my decision. It was not made out of ignorance or blind followership. Same thing with circumcision. We're circumcising our son as an infant. And we'll talk about it if you reeeeally want to, but just remember that he's OUR baby. 

There are so many more things--yes I'm breastfeeding, but I'm a firm believer in covering up when nursing in public, so I'm going to do that no matter how many people tell me that is a sign of being ashamed. It's not. I'm not ashamed of my body, and I'm certainly not ashamed of its ability to nourish my baby, and I have a thousand reasons for wanting to cover up--none of them being that I'm ashamed or embarrassed. Other things? I like having ultrasounds to see how my baby is doing--I like that my doctor could look at the ultrasound at 18 weeks and tell me I was having a boy, and that that boy's organs and spine and lungs were developing beautifully. I like that I was able to take a prescription medicine when I had brutal morning sickness which made me throw up at LEAST once every single day. I like that, later on in my pregnancy when I had a UTI that sent me into contractions far too early (22 weeks), I was able to take an antibiotic, and that probably saved my baby. I like that I have the option of an induction available to me starting at around 40 weeks, because I DO have concerns about carrying my baby too long. I like that my doctor has given me an estimation that the baby will come this week (and I'm perfectly aware that he might not--but again, my doctor knows a heck of a lot more about this than you or I do). 

While we're on that subject, I'd like to ask that people stop telling me to not be excited about things! Stop saying "just enjoy this time" every single time I say I can't wait for my baby to come. Why? First of all, because I am. I do. I enjoy my life a lot. I promise I'm not just moping around pitying myself and thinking, "When the baby comes, then I'll be happy." I am a happy person. So don't worry about that. Secondly, what are you really saying? Every time you tell me to just enjoy the time I have left, it sounds like this, "Be careful what you wish for! Get some sleep while you still can!" I understand that you're trying to be helpful--but are you really saying that two more weeks of sleep (which, by the way, isn't that easy to come by at this point anyways) is better than having my BABY with me now? Are you suggesting that in a month I'm going to look back and think, "I wish I had had just two more weeks of sleep"? Because that doesn't make any sense. I realize that I will be sleep-deprived for months on end, and that I will sometimes look back and think I wish I'd known how good I had it, but I don't think I'll ever wish my baby had come later--because two weeks of sleep is not worth two weeks of baby. I have already decided that this son of mine is worth every worthy sacrifice. So forgive me for being ready for him to get here, but at this point I think the sooner the better. Two weeks of missed sleep is not going to make a difference in the long run. 

One last thing--I know you are probably trying to compliment me. But I'm getting tired of being told I'm "too small". I admit, it was kind of flattering earlier on in the pregnancy. I was a little proud of it whenever I was told that. But now that it's pretty much time for the baby to come, being told I'm TOO small kind of hurts. For one, I'm NOT too small. I'm a tall girl--and tall girls with long torsos hide their babies. My doctor measures me every week, and yes I always measure slightly smaller than how far along I actually am--but he's never surprised or worried, because he sees that I am TALL. If my doctor is not worried, please don't you be worried. When you tell me I'm too small it implies that my body is not doing its job properly, that my baby is not big enough, and that something is wrong. I know you don't mean it that way, but maybe you should consider it now. You would never tell a pregnant friend that she was too big, right? So just be careful about how you say things. (By the way, comments like, "You're all baby", or even, "Wow, you don't look like you're that far along!" don't bother me at all. It's just something about that "too" that does it.)

Ok. I think...I am probably done. Again, I realize that in all these situations no one has meant to hurt me or bother me. And if I have been hurt or bothered, I chose that. Also, because I really am comfortable with my decisions, other people trying to force theirs on me doesn't really have that big of an effect. But I guess, if there is anything I want to accomplish in this rambling post of mine, it's just this: I just want people to be happy for me. I want people to see that I'm having an awesome experience, even if it's different than what they'd choose--and I want people to be able to see my decisions and not feel obligated to tell me I'm wrong. It's condescending, even if you are just trying to be helpful. That's what makes it annoying--it's you saying, "Hey, since you're a first-timer and I'm WAAAY more experienced than you because I have a kid, let me tell you why everything you're choosing is wrong, and why everything I'm choosing is right for everyone." I guess I want people to trust that Derek and I care enough about our child to think about the issues you're concerned about--I want people to know that our decisions are thought out and that they're just as valid as anyone else's, and so it's ok to just say "Yay for you!" when I post some update about our life, and particularly this journey through pregnancy and parenthood. I have parents and siblings who are allowed to give completely unsolicited advice. And I have a husband with whom I make all my big decisions, and most of my small ones. And most importantly, I have a Heavenly Father who has blessed me with the right to personal revelation. So let me say this, sincerely: thank you for your concern. Thank you for wanting to help. Don't feel like you can't ever send me information or give me advice, because I'm grateful for those things--knowledge really is power. All I'm really asking is that you don't ALWAYS weigh in with your opinion. Don't feel like you have to teach me in every situation, because there are people in my life who I depend on for that, and also, because I'm not all that stupid. So please, tell me what you think and comment on my decisions, but also share in my happy moments--that's all I'm really asking for :)

Why I'm Not Going Back to School...and Why I'm Not Ashamed of That

When you're in college and you're pregnant, lots of people ask you what your plans are. Or at least, lots of people have asked me what my plans are. Though the general expectation for women in the LDS church is that they will be a "stay-at-home" mom, I've noticed that this expectation (at least here in Rexburg) comes in second to the expectation that you will be finishing school by any means necessary and getting your degree--if in fact, you were foolish enough to have a child before you got a degree.

People who ask me what I plan to do after I have the baby rarely get (or want) the full answer, partly because I wouldn't have time to give it, and partly because it's something that would require a quiet environment, where I could really share the feelings in my heart. What they usually get is, "Well, I'll actually be done with school for a while, because I want to stay at home with my baby." What I wish I could tell them is what follows:

I'm not coming back to school. Not as an on-campus student, or even as a part-time online student. Not for a long time at least. Because I don't want to, and I don't think I need to.

You might be surprised at how ill-received this news is to most people, even at a church school. Here's what I anticipate the internal responses to be (although so far, no one has actually said any of this to me. It's just the attitude I pick up on).

1.) "Why isn't having at least a bit of a career important to you? Don't you want to be able to do something other than be a mom your whole life?"

This one is a less common attitude here, though a more common attitude in the world "outside". So my answer is fairly simple: Um, no. I really don't want to spend hours away from home, working. I really don't think anything could be as interesting or as fulfilling as raising a human being, and I don't think I'll ever have enough time on my hands that I'd want to fill it with a "career". But I digress--there are a lot of people in the world who agree with me--Mormons, non-Mormons, Christians, and non-Christians alike. Many men and women in this world do value and understand a woman's choice to stay at home and raise her children. So I'll move on to what I think is the hiccup for most people I run into.

2.) "The prophet (Gordon B. Hinckley) said that we should get as much education as possible. Are you just going to ignore that counsel in favor of the counsel to stay at home with your children?"

And, this:

3.) "What about in the case of death or illness? What if your husband can't work to support your family? What about being prepared?"

I looped these questions together because I want to answer them together. These were questions that weighed deeply on me last fall. Every month when we discovered that we were not pregnant, I was terribly disappointed, even though we'd only been married 6 months, and weren't technically trying. But I was also relieved. Not because I didn't want a baby, or because I didn't feel ready for motherhood. (I think in most senses, you're never really ready, but in others, I have always felt ready. I have always looked forward to being a mother). I was relieved because I feared what people would think of me. Derek and I have always known that once we had children, I would not go to school or work anymore. And I have always been happy with that decision, but I was still scared that the people I associated with here--students and graduates and mothers alike--would think it was wrong. I was worried that maybe I was wrong for not wanting to continue working on my degree after I had my first baby. After all, I've heard all the counsel about getting as much of an education as possible, and about how sometimes emergencies happen, and we never know what we'll be called upon to do. But I also knew, in my heart of hearts, that staying at home with my baby was right, and that putting off having children so that I could earn a degree was wrong. So I struggled for a while.

After some time of thinking about this, and talking with my family and friends, I had a few realizations. The first was this: the prophet did not say to get as many degrees, or as high a degree, as you can. He said to get as much education as you can. And education is what I care about. I have never cared about a degree--in fact, I've never even really been able to settle on a major. I've always wanted to learn EVERYTHING. One of the reasons I treasure being at BYU-Idaho is that there are so many opportunities for a truly unique education here. I have absolutely loved my time in school, and not because I was working for a degree. To tell you the truth--and I say this in my head in a slight whisper--I'm probably no closer to obtaining a Bachelors now, in my fourth semester, than I was in my first. Because I sort of always knew that I probably wouldn't finish. So every semester when it came time to register, I chose the classes that I was desperate to take--that I felt would be completely different here at BYU-Idaho than anywhere else, and that I felt would be invaluable in my life as a mother and wife and disciple of Christ. And let me tell you--I have taken some amazing classes, from some absolutely incredible teachers. I have truly gained an education. But it's not over. I'm going to keep getting as educated as I can, all my life. I'm going to seek learning and growth, from every source that I can. I think that that is at the heart of President Hinckley's advice.

You may argue--he also said, "(The) world will in large measure pay you what it thinks you are worth, and your worth will increase as you gain education and proficiency in your chosen field." (Gordon B. Hinckley, A Prophet's Counsel and Prayer for Youth. Jan. 2001. Click here to read the full talk.) And I agree with that. Which is why my husband is in school. As he is going to be the provider for our family, it makes sense that he gains the education necessary to obtain gainful employment, so that he can be our caretaker. So, I'm not saying that degrees are obsolete. They certainly are not. But I am saying this: degrees are only necessary if you are going to work in the world. In fact, if they are not used, they are literally useless. I don't plan on working outside of the home. So at this time in my life...a degree is useless.

But what about #3? What about "in case of emergency?" I agree that having a degree can be somewhat helpful in case of an emergency. If it ever turns out that something makes it impossible for Derek to work and provide for our family, I do want to be prepared to work for my family. But here's some logic for you: how marketable will my degree be in ten years, with no work experience added to it? In fifteen, or twenty years? I can almost guarantee that any degree or certificate that is earned but goes unused for more than ten years is not going to give you very much help when it comes to finding a good job. In my opinion, it would be better for me at that point to enroll in some kind of program (like CNA, or pharmacy, or some kind of trade school) that would award me a certificate when I need it, and then immediately put it to use. You're always going to have to start somewhere, and starting with a ten-year-old unused degree won't be much of an advantage.

I'd also like to include a quote here from President Henry B. Eyring. He says this:

"(There) are important ways in which planning for failure can make failure more likely and the ideal less so. Consider these twin commandments as an example: "Fathers are to...provide the necessities of life...for their families" and "mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." Knowing how hard that might be, a young man might choose a career on the basis of how much money he could make, even if it meant he couldn't be home enough to be an equal partner. By doing that, he has already decided he cannot hope to do what would be best. A young woman might prepare of a career incompatible with being primarily responsible for the nurture of her children because of the possibilities of not marrying, of not having children, or of being left alone to provide for them herself. Or she might fail to focus her education on the gospel and the useful knowledge of the world that nurturing a family would require, not realizing that the highest and best use she could make of her talents and her education would be in her home. Consequently, because a young man and woman had planned thus, they might make what is best for a family less likely to be obtained."
(Henry B. Eyring, The Family. Feb. 1998 Ensign. Italics added. Click here to read the full talk.)

Please understand. I'm not saying--nor is President Eyring saying--that any woman who ends up having to work outside the home to provide for her family is at fault for her circumstances. I'm also not saying that the women I know who are choosing to continue on in their education and obtain a degree are doing the wrong thing. I think they're incredible! I truly admire women who have worked and have degrees, because I know that they are trying to do what is best for their family.

But I am also trying to do what is best for my family. And...this is it. The things that I have come across since making this decision (like President Eyring's talk on the family--which is absolutely wonderful, by the way) have only affirmed that in my mind. One day, I may decide to go back to school and get a degree, even if there is no emergency! But if that day does come, I can guarantee that it is a long ways off. I plan to be at home with my kids as long as they are at home. It is the example and the legacy that my mother has given me, and I see it carried on in my sisters' homes. When you make the decision to follow the Lord's counsel, he will enable you to do it. I truly believe that.

I would also beg all of the women and young women I know to seriously consider this decision in their lives. Deciding not to get a degree may not be the best choice for everyone. Derek and I felt that it was the best choice for us, because we knew that when we were blessed with a child, it would be in the Lord's timing, and we take this pregnancy as a sign that the Lord will provide for us. Some women may not marry until after they already have a degree. Some women may not be blessed with children until after they're done with school. Continue to pursue lifelong education! But when it comes to having a family, don't delay it for something like a degree. Because motherhood is the highest calling you could ever have. And it is worth so much more than a diploma.

(If you have time, you might also read this talk by Elder Andersen called "Children.")

I Am Like a Green Fir Tree...

So...I've been kind of unhappy lately. And I've known why. And I've been too proud and too stubborn and too lazy to fix it. Do any of you guys do that? I feel so silly when I get into these slumps and instead of doing what I know will get me out of it, I first try everything else. Finally I got tired of being sad. And do you know what I did?
I prayed. And I read my scriptures.
Oh, I've been praying. I've said a prayer every night, every morning, and before each meal. I say prayers with Derek. But I have been living in that icky place where I say the words I'm used to saying. I try to be sincere, but I don't get much out before my mind wanders or I decide I'd really better get some rest. There's a quote from F. Enzio Busche that I love. It came to my mind today. He says,

"Before we can do this (pray) with focus, we have to become aware of a multitude of defined or undefined, conscious or subconscious desires. We have to learn to bring them to our awareness, to analyze them, to categorize them, and to bring them in to order according to priorities. When we do not do this, we will be condemned to remain, in our prayers, on a superficial level, or even on the level of formality, where there are no answers or there are only imagined answers. But there are always hundreds of different desires fighting for supremacy within us. The act of categorizing them is a very painful, but needful act to become, in the eyes of God, a mature person and to be taken seriously."

Does this describe pretty much every problem you've ever faced with prayer? I know it does for me.
So today I realized I was on a level of formality in my prayers, and I let the fact that I haven't been reading my scriptures much lately truly penetrate my soul. In The Screwtape Letters, Screwtape explains to Wormwood that as long as they (that is, the devils) can keep our sins on the outermost level of our consciousness, we are captured. Sure, we may have that nagging feeling that it's been a while since we truly communicated with the Lord, or let Him truly communicate with us, but just keep that in the back of your mind. There are lots of other things that you want and need to do, right? Shouldn't I be spending every spare minute with my husband? But what about when I'm home from work, and he's still gone? What about when I am so lonely, and I have no distractions, and I realize my soul is kind of achey? And I realize I haven't been that kind to Derek in our limited time together, no matter how much I miss him all day long. I realize I haven't been myself at all lately. And I want to be happy now.
Finally, painfully, I turned to the Lord today. I began to express my feelings to Him. I told Him my desires to love the scriptures, and to feel close to the Spirit, and to be better to my wonderful husband. I told Him I was so so weak, and I was so so sorry. And I told Him I would read my scriptures. So I flipped them open.
Here, a side note: You know that old trick where you really need something special from the Lord--an answer to prayer, a bit of inspiration--and you just open your scriptures to a random page and all of a sudden there's what you were looking for? I don't. I mean, I know of the trick, but never before in my life has it worked for me. I always figured the Lord just expected me to work for my answers, and I think it's a good thing, because I'm the kind of person who just loves the easy way out. Maybe if I had a lot of experiences like that, I would expect that from my scripture study, and I wouldn't grow too much. I don't know. All I know is, today was a little different.
I tried that trick. I opened my scriptures to a random page. Aaaaaand (drumroll)...it was Hosea. That's right, I landed on the first page of the book of Hosea. My first thought was, "Isn't this that really random story that never made sense? This can't be helpful." My second thought was, "Wait, that story was an allegory about Christ and the world...yeah, that's still probably not what I'm looking for." And then my third thought was probably not entirely my own--I think the Spirit gave me a little elbow nudge. "Wait a minute, aren't these the scriptures? Aren't they all in here for a reason? Do I really think there couldn't be anything in here for me to learn from?" And then my fourth thought (yeah, all my thoughts come numbered throughout the day. Kinda strange.) was, "What could be more appropriate than a story about Christ accepting someone who was completely unworthy?"
I started skimming through the pages, reading the chapter headings--you know, looking for something "good". And then I was at the end of the book, and so I read the short, final chapter of Hosea. And it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. Here's a few bits I needed most:

"I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him. I will be as the dew unto Israel: he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as Lebanon. His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his smell as Lebanon. They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon. Ephraim shall say, What have I to do any more with idols? I have heard him, and observed him: I am like a green fir tree. From me is thy fruit found." (Hosea 14:4-8)

I hardly know what else to say. I feel like these verses say all that I needed and I know that they speak for themselves, so if any of you need them, I won't diminish from it by continuing on and on. I will say that I researched the Lebanon "green fir trees" a bit, and I found some amazing things. The fir tree is a symbol of joy and growth. It is beautiful and grows tall in the forests of Lebanon. When we know Christ--when we have heard Him and observed Him in our personal lives, we are filled with joy. Remembering Christ today has made my heart swell, and I feel whole again. I'm so grateful that the Lord takes me back time after time after time. I know that He is the most loving being that has ever walked the face of this earth, and I'm so grateful that He did, so that I have the chance to know Him personally, and to let Him lead me back to Him. I know that He is waiting with arms outstretched and will snatch you up the moment you turn to see Him. He loves us all so much. I testify of that in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.